Being Transgender

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela

Fear envelopes me even as I’m typing this now. I do have so much I want to say but it’s the putting it out there for others to read that brings up the fear. I’ve let the thoughts of “what will others think of me” rule my life far too long and I question do I have the courage to go the next step in putting it out there. I’ve hidden myself not only from others but from myself most of my life, denial is a powerful coping skill albeit not a healthy one. It’s only been over the last couple years I’ve let some in. It’s not that I’m hiding anymore yet I also don’t go around telling people. After all being trans in what some call “make America great again” is established to do away with us. In time you’ll come to understand, you may even be one that has a different perspective that is negative and clouded in myths or worst yet lies.

I question myself as to why open up and possibly put myself at risk. Why be vulnerable in away that could expose me to harm. What I keep thinking is if one person reads this and it helps them either because it’s where they are or it may open their eyes to a different understanding about transgender people then it will be worth it. I think too about on my road to discovery how I was directed towards groups of people living their truth some open completely out, some partly out and then those who like me at that time still questioning if this is their truth. I remember how being able to know others like myself and feeling that sense of aloneness, shame and fear slowly and sometimes painfully drift away as I heard others share their feelings and fears that were, are the same I have. How that if there had not been those that went before me being willing to share of themselves where would I be now. Oh be sure there is a price, sometimes a great price for living true to yourself. But I have found in my life that price is well worth it.

My experience has been some in society tends to think things are or should be black and white, all or nothing. While I too at times struggle in that way of thinking it is now my belief that beliefs themselves are just thoughts or beliefs just passsed down from one person to another no matter what that belief is. I myself have been stuck there in my old patterns of beliefs and being quite honest I still work through that kind of thinking. I am fortunate maybe you too because when given our opportunity to decide for ourself what we believe we took it. While my whole life I’ve been searching for who I am, why I struggled so much it’s only been over these last four years through focusing on myself, questioning and discovering the things that hindered me that I have discover who I am. Once I discovered that it has still taken time to shed old beliefs and ideas that kept me bound in shame and fear. It takes being honest with myself and taking action to break the black and white thinking and that can and has to be a daily practice. Challenging those beliefs that kept me isolated, alone and living in tremendous fears. I’ve been able to come to terms too with who I am to a great degree. But in doing that I had to go against what some believe and because their belief is different they try to take action they think will in effect make me and others like me non existent. I had to decide am I going to be true to myself no matter the cost or submit to what society says is the “norm”, remain in that state of fear, shame and self hated which brought with it depression, anxiety and daily thoughts of suicide that tormented me constantly.

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that just because a majority may believe something that doesn’t mean it’s true and it certainly doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone. We all have a right to exist and be who we know ourself to be no matter what anyone else says.

I had always know that discrimination was a reality in society but never really having experienced it much myself I thought it wasn’t so bad, ironic how when something doesn’t effect me personally I tend to minimize it. Yet after discovering who I am and deciding to live authentically my eyes were opened to see to some depths of what discrimination looks like in all its ugliness. In many shapes and forms towards many people who don’t deserve to be treated that way. Their only crime is their perceived as “different”, wether because of their race, gender, religion, sexual orientation or gender identity. For some it seems they reason equality for all means to them they lose rights. But equality only bring those who don’t have the same rights up to the same level. Hmmm… could it be a human need to feel worth more then someone else?

I also realize that even I as a white trans man I have privilege not only because I’m white but I do pass more. Yet I too have suffered discrimination because of being seen as different. Being transgender is just a small part of who I am, yet it was coming to understand that small part of myself which opened the door to a shining light towards a freedom and peace I’ve never known. There are many aspects to me which are nether good nor bad it just is. I have passions, dreams as well as fears and flaws of which being transgender is part yet none of. What I can say for me being transgender is a gift from my creator and it’s up to me how I decide to use it.

As many if not all of you reading this can relate in some way to pain, fear, shame and the list of feelings could go on, It’s my hope and desire for you to see we are all human beings who deserve to be treated in a humane and respectful way. While I know there maybe some who will never open their mind to be willing to accept others for their differences. I’m also aware that there are those out there who just need a peek, a view of understanding coming directly from someone living their truth that will show them that there maybe just a little more gray in the world and that what they have been taught while maybe their truth isn’t everyone’s truth. Accepting my truth has caused my life to grow and blossom in ways I never could imagine before. For me it’s been being courageous enough to take that honest look at myself and willing to let My higher powers will be done in me, doing for me what I can’t do for myself. Teaching me not just self acceptance but acceptance of others. Giving me the ability to just let things be and live life in the present moment. After all that is all we have, this present moment.